Mueller’s Russian Investigation Announces Manafort Indictment

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Special Counsel Robert Mueller is about to take out the trash – and the Dumpster, too?

President Trump’s former campaign chairman (and bad facelift spokesmodel) Paul Manafort was indicted today on charges that he funneled millions of dollars through overseas shell companies and used the money to buy real estate and luxury items. His longtime associate Rick Gates was also charged.

News broke Friday that Mueller, aka Our Last Hope, aka America’s Most Active Grandpa, filed the first charges in his investigation of the Trump administration’s collusion with Russia. Sorry — alleged collusion with Russia.

The current administration tried to deflect attention from this, of course, with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders claiming that the “Clinton campaign” was more guilty of collusion than the Trump campaign. Unsurprisingly, Sanders neither provided nor possessed any evidence to back up this claim, which essentially means that this was her version of “I’m not, YOU are!” Also, if the Clinton campaign really colluded with Russia on the election, then wouldn’t they have, like, won?

Anyway, the news comes at a time when Trump’s approval ratings are at an all-time low (38% to be exact, but who’s counting), so it’s likely that a lot of Americans are welcoming these charges. Unfortunately, we may still have to wait a while before Mueller can get to the President himself. While there’s supposedly plenty of evidence for Mueller to use against Trump in his “obstruction of justice” angle, Mueller still has to methodically work his way to Trump from the periphery of the administration. By tackling the minor players first, Mueller has the potential to “flip” them by offering lesser charges in exchange for evidence against their co-conspirators. OR … Mueller could just be a messy bitch who loves drama.

So who else might Mueller be targeting?

Well, there’s Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr., for starters, who aren’t even capable of breaking the law correctly. Thanks to Kushner’s shady business deals, his hand in firing James Comey, and his contact with Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak, Kushner may be up for anything from fraud to conspiracy to failure to register as a snooty little bitch. And Trump, Jr. is most likely in trouble for tweeting out evidence that he met with Russian agents to affect the outcome of the 2016 election.

There’s also Carter Page, a Trump campaign advisor who allegedly met with senior Russian officials as an emissary for 45. He could be up for money laundering, wire fraud, and “conspiracy to commit offense or to defraud the United States.”

Still, we have no doubt that Mueller’s team will eventually sink its teeth into Trump. After all, members of his team have had a hand in taking out Enron, Ponzi schemers, mob bosses, and even members of Al Qaeda. A whiny man-baby should be a piece of cake. In fact, to quote the Dumpster himself, it will be the most beautiful piece of cake that you’ve ever seen.


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