Last week, we reported that the National Enquirer once paid $30,000 to a doorman named Dino Sajudin in order to keep him quiet about an alleged affair between Donald Trump and one of the maids at Trump Tower. We also introduced a bombshell new theory that Tiffany Trump is the love child of that affair. Being the intrepid reporters that we are, we have since taken it upon ourselves to track down all of the evidence proving that Tiffany Trump is, in fact, Donald John Trump’s secret love child.
Here are the cold, hard facts:
No one lets her outside.
One of the unspoken rules of the Trump administration — besides the fact that there are no rules — is that Tiffany Trump should be treated like an adult kidnapping victim. Tiffany is rarely allowed let outside, and when she is, she looks very surprised. This could only be the result of a government-wide effort to keep her face hidden, lest anyone notice she looks suspiciously like that maid who spent all her overtime hours in Trump’s office with the blinds pulled, screaming orgasmically. On the rare occasion when she does venture out, in the general proximity of her family, she recoils from her father like the rest of us.
She’s the right age.
According to Sajudin, the alleged affair between Trump and his Trump Tower staffer occurred in the ‘80s, which would make Trump secret love child just slightly older than Tiffany. But who’s to say that Trump and his maid didn’t continue boinking in the ‘90s? I think we’re all forgetting how addictive Cheetos can be.
She goes into fugue states in which she cleans things.
Perhaps the biggest indication that Tiffany is the child of a career maid is that she periodically finds herself wearing a French maid costume in the middle of a rich man’s living room, unsure of where she’s been or how she got there. There’s always a mysterious tarp laid out on the floor, and a series of odd fluids which she’s in the middle of wiping up. Additionally, there never seems to be a tenant on the premises — just a sole wall-mounted camera that follows her every move as she panics, runs out of the mansion screaming, and waits for police to take her home until the next week, when it all happens again.
She has gay, and black friends. Sometimes, it’s the same person!
She hasn’t committed white collar crime.
Unlike her siblings and siblings-in-law — who are essentially every dumbest child of every fictional mob family, but pooled together into one Olympics of Stupidity — Tiffany doesn’t have a propensity toward compulsive criminality. This is a definite indication that she is the genetic byproduct of a marginally good person and not an amoral gold-digger, a.k.a. the type of woman that Trump is on the record as mating with. But with that being said, could this unnamed maid be the key to Trump’s humanity? Could this salt-of-the-Earth type be the one woman that Trump has ever boinked out of love? Could she, in fact, be the one living woman with the ability to lead him away from the dark path he’s on and back towards redemption? Could she save our country? Or did she just want a flat-screen TV?