trumpstable

‘Very Stable Genius’ Trump Tweets, Fumes Over Bombshell ‘Fire And Fury’

Politics  

Like every stable genius in history, President Trump has gone on Twitter to insist on how much of a stable genius he is.

“Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart,” he tweeted Saturday morning, unprovoked. “Crooked Hillary Clinton also played these cards very hard and, as everyone knows, went down in flames,” he added, in reference to Clinton winning the popular vote. “I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star to President of the United States (on my first try),” he continued, making sure to leave out his six bankruptcies. “I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that,” he finished, in a clear reference to the Albert Einstein quote, “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

For the record, here is another instance of Albert Einstein not calling himself a genius, since he clearly isn’t a stable genius, since only stable geniuses call themselves stable geniuses:

“I am not a genius, I am just curious. I ask many questions. and when the answer is simple, then God is answering.”

In case you were unclear, Trump’s Saturday morning rant was in response to concerned citizens questioning his mental health thanks to Michael Wolff’s tell-all book Fire and Fury, which Wolff released a week early despite President Trump shooting his publisher a cease and desist letter. In case you didn’t already hear, the book spilled a whole Cabinet’s worth of hot tea. Oh, and it’s yuuuuuuuuge bestseller.

First, there’s Ivanka Trump’s description of her daddy’s hair. According to Wolff’s reporting in Fire and Fury, Ivanka says Trump’s combover is an “absolutely clean pate — a contained island after scalp-reduction surgery — surrounded by a furry circle of hair around the sides and front, from which all ends are drawn up to meet in the center and then swept back and secured by a stiffening spray.”

Donald Trump GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

It’s like a Cosmo “How to” tip for illiterates!

And speaking of which, it’s now official that Trump is illiterate. While we’ve already heard rumors that Trump loses interest if he has to read for too long, Fire and Fury lays it all out there. Apparently, Trump now refuses to read anything, and won’t even skim simple briefings, which has led many administration officials to speculate that the man literally can’t read.

That’s in addition to the fact that Trump tells the same stories every 10 minutes because he forgets that he told them, which suggests he might also have dementia.

OH and we now know the reason he gets McDonald’s all the time. Apparently, the man is so paranoid of someone poisoning him that he gets McDonald’s because he believes no one at McDonald’s will know the food is for him and thus won’t poison it. (As if the McDonald’s staff don’t know the food is for Trump when the person ordering it is a harried aide in a full suit saying “Yes, Mr. President” into his phone.)

Mcdonalds GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

But that’s not all. Steve Bannon is still experiencing fallout from the book, days after Trump claimed Bannon had “lost his mind.” (Pot calling the kettle orange, anyone?)

According to The New York Times, Bannon has lost the support of important donors like the hedge fund magnate Robert Mercer now that he no longer has Trump’s backing.  (Who would’ve thunk the Republican Party is just a self-centered collection of opportunists who constantly shift loyalties?)  

But the loss of funding is an even bigger blow for Bannon considering how much energy he’s sunk into his “revolt” against Senator Mitch McConnell and the “establishment.” Apparently, Bannon has bragged to potential donors about how he has “flipped” other donors and about has grandiose plans for achieving total world domination via unseating Republican establishment leaders like McConnell. So basically, Bannon is admitting to potential donors that he doesn’t have any loyalty to the people who helped him in his career — and possibly anyone — but still expects those donors to trust him with their money?

Oh, and we also now know that Trump didn’t even want to be president! While we all kind of expected this, it’s now official (according to Fire and Fury) that he never expected to win and was only using his campaign to boost his profile and get his own TV show. So he began his term already expecting to profit from the election. Big surprise.

“So how are the Republicans responding to all this?” you might ask. Well, their defense so far has just been to claim that Michael Wolff is a closet case and thus making up everything.

No joke, alt righter Gavin McKinnes is claiming that Wolff is a closet homosexual because he wears pocket squares and has “gay face,” which according to McKinnes means that Wolff is a liar and that Trump is actually an extremely intelligent man with nothing but love for the American people, and that Steve Bannon and Trump get along, and that Ivanka actually loves her father’s hair, and that our country isn’t actually slowly heading towards a scale of destruction never before known to the human race.

Honestly, we’d love to believe that.

 

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