Trump Sexual Assault Accuser Rachel Crooks Wins Ohio Primary Bid

Featured, Politics  

Revenge is a dish best served polled.

Rachel Crooks, whom Donald Trump kissed without her consent when she was a receptionist at Trump Tower in 2005, has secured a primary bid for state office in Ohio.

Crooks, who no doubt slid into Trump’s DMs to send him a picture of her holding her results in one hand while setting fire to a picture of him in the other, had gone public with her claims against Trump prior to the 2016 election.

After the Washington Post published a detailed account of the incident in February, Trump lied about the interaction and went full “I don’t know her,” claiming he had more wits about him than to kiss someone “in a public space with live security cameras running.” Setting aside how problematic it is that the only thing deterring Trump was the security cameras, this is a rather disingenuous statement. After all: When has Trump ever not done something embarrassing in full view of the public? (See: His campaign, his debates, his presidency.)

But Crooks had the receipts (sort of), and countered on Twitter, “Please, by all means, share the footage from the hallway outside the 24th floor residential elevator bank on the morning of January 11, 2006. Let’s clear this up for everyone. It’s liars like you in politics that have prompted me to run for office myself.”

Cut to: Rachel Crooks, three months later, securing a primary bid! We can only hope that she wins the eventual race and finds her way into office so that she can serve as a thorn in Trump’s side — even if it’s a very small thorn. Hell, we’ll be happy even if the only thing she ever does in office is successfully file a Freedom of Information Act for those damn security tapes.

We also hope that Trump’s other accusers get the same idea to run for office so that they can band together and form their own political party designed specifically to make Trump’s life a living hell. (Possible items on the agenda: Make it legal to play Keep Away with Trump’s hairpiece; Make Melania Trump’s body double an official member of the Cabinet.) Their name? Why, the Tories, of course — named after Tori Amos. Their Constitution will be called the Good Book, which will be so “Sad!”

(Editor’s note: The featured campaign artwork is parody. Duh.)

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