How is everyone’s Saturday going so far? Did you get all your errands done? Did you do some laundry and maybe also some light research on your local fallout shelter? Did you restock on kitchen supplies and also maybe perishable goods in case you have to permanently move your family underground? We kid. You probably just went for a nice walk in the park, saw a good movie, and watched the rest of 30 Rock just in case you die in a nuclear apocalypse before it leaves Netflix.
While Doomsday prophecies claim that the world will end today when an unpredictable bulbous mass blindly collides with our planet, it’s becoming more and more clear that this unpredictable bulbous mass is not, in fact, a mysterious celestial being called “Planet Nibiru,” but rather the current President of the United States. In another dazzling display of diplomacy, President Donald Trump sent US bombers to fly over North Korea in a display of power — just a day after North Korean president Kim Jong Un called him a “madman.” This most recent moves seems to have been Trump’s version of, “I resemble that remark!” Sure enough, Kim Jong Un responded by declaring that rockets to the United States are now “inevitable.”
While optimists may satisfy themselves thinking that responsible people will now take over and ensure that the world doesn’t end this week, the rest of us will just have to wait and find something else to worry about so we can pretend like none of this ever happened — Oh, what’s that now? The President did another insanely stupid thing?? He came after the NFL, that extremely American institution that both liberals and conservatives can regularly find common ground over? Surely, this is some sort of brilliant strategy to divert our attention from — Nope, he literally just pissed off sports people. ICYMI, Trump — a world leader — alluded to Colin Kaepernick as a “son of a bitch” for protesting systemic racism and police brutality. The NFL swiftly hit him back by calling Trump “divisive,” and top sports personalities like LeBron James and Kobe Bryant have joined in on the criticism. Perhaps THE BEST response was Kaepernick’s mother, Teresa, who tweeted, “Guess that makes me a proud bitch.”
How can the President of the United States attack sports institutions? How??? That’s Rule #1 of presidenting: You just don’t get on the wrong side of sports people. It’s un-American. Surely, his supporters thought twice before having his back on this one. Are they willing to give up their beloved Nascar and sportsball games as a show of support for their racist god? We’ll find out soon enough — if we’re not all dead before then. (But seriously, 30 Rockleaves Netflix October 1, so get on that.)