Sources are confirming to the New York Times that Robert Mueller is directing his Russia investigation to “Attorney General and Friendly Racist Neighbor Who Is Gleefully Stealing Your Newspapers” Jeff Sessions, a.k.a., Papa Keebler.
Mueller reportedly questioned Sessions – thought to be the first member of Trump’s remaining cabinet in the hot, hot, hot seat – for several hours last week about President Trump’s potential obstruction of justice in the 2016 presidential election, and we’re sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that Sessions recused himself from the investigation early last year. Like, that definitely wasn’t because of conflict of interest or because Sessions was somehow involved in whatever collusion transpired during the time leading up to the election. Like, definitely not.
Talking Genital Wart Steve Bannon has also struck a deal to talk to Mueller, and he’ll probably be happy to spill some shit, now that he’s been blacklisted from politics and, like, life.
So what do yall think Sessions knows? He can’t be that well-informed on the goings-on of the White House, since he spends half his time in the North Pole or in a tree making cookies somewhere, but he has definitely been privy to whatever sneaky tactics the Trump campaign used during the campaign. And while that may have not been direct collusion, it almost certainly involved the deliberate flouting of election standards. And if there was any obstruction of justice when Trump fired James Comey, then Sessions would have absolutely been aware of it.
So let’s hope that Sessions already has lots of cookies stored away, since he’ll probably be placed under house arrest at some point. Oh, wait, no. He’ll probably lie under oath to protect his bae Donnie, since he has flagrantly lied under oath in the past. Seriously, why aren’t we still screaming for his impeachment? Tomorrow’s headline should be ‘Nasty Elf Gets Christmas Present of Jailtime.’ Ugh!