Last week, Warner Brothers and Mattel announced a star for their live-action Barbie movie, thus breathing new life into a project that had originally been an Amy Schumer vehicle. This iteration features a touching, body-positive storyline about loving yourself unconditionally. Now, in the time-honored tradition of having Barbie look like she just finished doing several hundred hours of Crossfit, the movie will be about being super-f***ing-hot and will star Oscar nominee Margot Robbie.
The original script focused on Barbie finding her way in the real world after being uprooted from Dreamland, but that seems too intellectual for the new direction that the Barbie franchise appears to be taking. We can only guess that the Barbie of this new movie will be getting blackout drunk and letting a gang of methed-up bikers do tequila shots out of her butthole.
There’s little else known about this new Barbie movie, other than the fact that it will be directed by Alethea Jones, who has a batting average of 33% at Rotten Tomatoes. We also know that Ken will be played by Michael McHugh, a McHunk who previously worked with Robbie on the long-running Australian sitcom Neighbours. Other than those two incontrovertible farts, we are in the dark. Thus, we have no choice but to make everything else up.
Assuming that Barbie will not be a sad druggie orphan without siblings or parents, we can accurately guess that she will have a mom and dad (Margaret and George, according to canon) and at least three weirdly hot toddler sisters (Skipper, Stacie, and Chelsea.) Margaret and George will be played by Christie Brinkley and David Hasselhoff, and will have permanent cocaine moustaches. Skipper, Stacie, and Chelsea will be played by a randomized selection of Nickelodeon castoffs and will come of age after walking in on Barbie getting jackhammered by Ken’s brother, Biff, who will be played by one of the guys from The Vampire Diaries. Biff will realize he is gay and then die in a horrific faxing accident.
Barbie’s childhood best friend, Nikki, will be played by Brittany Snow, AKA someone who is hot but still slightly less hot than Margot Robbie. Barbie’s adulthood best friends, Nikki, and Teresa, will be created by CGI because they will be copies of Margot Robbie but not blonde. Their only role in the movie will be to tell Barbie she’s fat. Additionally, according to the Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse Wikipedia page, Barbie also has a frenemy named Raquelle, who we can only assume will be played by someone bitter and sad, like Stacey Dash.
We can also assume that Barbie will eventually fall in love with someone from the real world, a la Amy Adams falling in love with Patrick Dempsey in Enchanted. For this role, they’ll just go with Patrick Dempsey again.
Don’t @ us. We didn’t make Hollywood.