oscarsnomsparody

Oscar Goes Gay: ‘Hurricane Bianca 2’ Tops Academy Award Nominations

Comedy  

In an attempt to seem less homophobic after hiring known homophobe Kevin Hart as its Oscars host for two days, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awarded all of its Oscar nominations in 2019 to gay movies, including 14 nominations to the cinematic disaster Hurricane Bianca 2: From Russia with Hate.

 

After doling out nominations to the gay movies that it was going to reward anyway — see: Bohemian Rhapsody, Can You Ever Forgive Me, A Star is Born, and The Favourite — the Academy soon discovered there weren’t any other gay movies in 2018 that weren’t either caustic or devastatingly sad. At first, it found solace in nominating gay movies that were objectively good but not widely seen, such as Colette, Disobedience, Hearts Beat Loud, The Miseducation of Cameron Post, and Studio 54. It even found a spot for the middle-of-the-road mainstream rom-com Love, Simon. But then, in a desperate attempt to fill its remaining nomination slots with gay movies, the Academy just started nominating shitty movies like Hurricane Bianca 2.

 

Not stopping with Hurricane Bianca 2, the Academy awarded coveted nominations to cinematic dumpster fires such as Alex Strangelove, The Happy Prince and Ideal Home, which featured Paul Rudd and Steve Coogan fucking on a bearskin rug. It then ran out of gay movies altogether and started nominating movies that gays had seen because they had shirtless hot guys in them — like Aquaman. It also nominated The First Purge, which curious gays attended in the hopes that it would be about douching, and Venom, which gays attended in the hopes that Tom Hardy would make out with himself.

 

In a final nod to the rich and diverse landscape of queer stories in Hollywood, the Academy created a new category this year just for queer fans: Best Gay Storyline Erased from a Straight Film. The current frontrunner is “Dumbledore and Grindelwald” in The Crimes of Grindelwald.

 

See below for a partial list of nominations.

 

BEST PICTURE

 

Bohemian Rhapsody

Boy Erased

Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Music Video for “Thank U, Next”

Hurricane Bianca 2: From Russia with Hate

 

BEST DIRECTOR

 

Marielle Heller, Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Bradley Cooper, A Star is Born

James Wan, Aquaman

Joe Gage, West Texas Park & Ride

Matt Kugelman, Hurricane Bianca 2: From Russia with Hate

 

BEST ACTOR

 

Jason Momoa, Aquaman

Tom Hardy, Venom

Chris Evans, Avengers: Infinity War

Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool 2

Roy Haylock/Bianca del Rio, Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate

 

BEST ACTRESS

 

Lady Gaga, A Star is Born

Rihanna, Oceans 8

Cher, Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

Beyonce, Illegal Youtube Footage of Beyonce’s Coachella Performance

Rachel Dratch, Hurricane Bianca 2: From Russia with Hate

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

 

Armie Hammer, On the Basis of Sex

Timothee Chalamet, Beautiful Boy

Clark Moore (the gayer gay kid in Love, Simon), Love, Simon

Cheyenne Jackson, Hurricane Bianca 2: From Russia with Hate

Lindsey Graham pretending to be butch, The Kavanaugh Hearings

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

 

Shangela Laquifa Wadley, A Star is Born

Willam Belli, A Star is Born

Alyssa Edwards, Hurricane Bianca 2: From Russia with Hate

Alaska Thunderfuck, Hurricane Bianca 2: From Russia with Hate

Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk

 

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

 

The “Party For One” Music Video

Ideal Home

Beyonce’s Coachella Performance

Hurricane Bianca 2: From Russia with Hate

Green Book

 

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

 

Love, Simon (adapted from Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda)

The Happy Prince (adapted from the most depressing part of Oscar Wilde’s life)

A Star is Born (adapted from the 50,000 other Star is Born movies)

Avengers: Infinity War (adapted from gay fantasies)

“7 Rings” (adapted from “Mine” by Princess Nokia and “Pretty Boy Swag” by Soulja Boy)

 

BEST GAY STORYLINE ERASED FROM A STRAIGHT FILM

 

Dumbledore and Grindelwald, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Valkyrie being a bisexual badass, Thor: Ragnarok

Ayo flirting with Okoye, Black Panther

Pansexual paleo-veterinarians, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Everything remotely gay, The Bohemian Rhapsody Trailer

 

 

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